Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Daily Dosage | I Needed A Breath...

I feel this desire to write, but I'm not even sure what about. Ideas and concepts are compacted in my head, and I can't think about just one. Is there a wrong or a right way to live? Who is doing it right, and who is doing it wrong? The end goal is to be happy right? That's the main point, is to be happy. 

I never expect certain books or movies to hit me with ideas, or emotions that I can't control. I was expecting a cute and romantic story line which truly isn't even my first choice of movie genre. I pulled the sheets around my bed, rustling the dirty clothes around my canopy. Kept a few cough drops in a pile to help me with my throat that makes swallowing almost unbearable. 

I haven't finished the movie yet, but I really wanted to come outside and breath. For some reason, this girl, in the movie, got to me, hit my emotions. What was once a happy and loving family to this girl, was now shattered. Her cynical views on life, love, politics, morals, government, and anything else in between was just so... depressing to me. I stop the movie, even though I hope it has a happy ending, but just to come outside and think.

Why she thinks the way she does, was because of an unclear and sad divorce between her parents. I'm lucky enough to still have my parents in a strong marriage. Talking to a good friend of mine, whose parents went through a divorce, had made it all seem tragic and hopeless.. and real. It feels real and unreal. Is it possible to feel those two things at the same time?

Love must not be at all what it claims to be. People interpret love in so many ways that it's not just one thing anymore. It's...everything. It's being able to work things out with someone. It's being able to talk freely and openly, and lovingly and kindly. It's being able to encourage the other, relying on a single person, for what should be the rest of your life.

I know what love feels like. I know what it feels like to completely give yourself to someone. You know what my favorite thing to do is? I loved tracing his eye brows with my fingers, then feeling the prominent cheekbone on his face, ending at his lips where I eventually kiss him. I know what he looks like. I know who he is. I'd never thought that I wouldn't be with him, but here I am, not with him. The stranger part is, now it's so obvious to me, that he was not good for me. I've learned that you are fully capable of loving more than one person. I think it's a quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald that you'll never get the same love twice. That statement is very true. Relationships are so strange and scary. It's taken me a while to actually remember that. Giving up a part of you for someone else. Molding yourself in their heart but then suddenly they are molded into yours too. 

This life is about making mistakes. Meeting new people. Knowing that there are good traits that actually exist and can be found in someone. Knowing that there are ugly and selfish traits that you could easily go without. It's knowing that we are all human, and we make mistakes. It's finding the one person that will forgive you, because they know what you can become.

I wouldn't even know if this actually makes sense to anyone...but here it is. Word vomit at it's finest! I can tell you one thing. There is nothing better than having a quiet moment to yourself. Listening to the birds that have been held in captivity from the frigid snow, only to finally see the sun and have it melt it all away. That relieving moment when they can finally stretch out their wings and break into their beautiful songs. That breath of clean air that comes whispering around your ears and hair. You finally get that chance to just, close your eyes for a moment and feel everything be still, if only for a moment.

Thanks for Reading
Love, Nicole

1 comment:

  1. You're a pretty stellar writer, girl. I love this word vomit. And I love this: "It's finding the one person that will forgive you, because they know what you can become."